Title: Inside My Little Room
Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)
Site: http://glimmershine.tripod.com
Archive: Any list archives. Others, ask.
Fandom: Scrubs
Pairing: Ben/Cox
Rating: PG
Summary: Missing scenes.
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine. Title is from 'Love Itself' by Leonard Cohen.
Thanks: To Julian Lee for the beta. And for overall loveliness.
*
He lives with death everyday - - and yet, with Ben involved, he's not so fearless.
Because it's *Ben.*
It's his friend. Talking about death. Endlessly.
And, very possibly, dying.
"Just stop it for a moment, okay?" Cox demands. He's using his stern voice, the voice he uses when one of the residents annoys him.
"I think I'm allowed to be a little morbid," Ben replies. "I'm dying, right?" His lips are curled into a gentle half-smile. "There's a special rule or something."
"Shut up. You're not dying."
"If I'm not dying, then why did you stay away?" He pauses. "If everything was definitely going to be okay, you'd just sit around and hang out. I'm dying."
"You'll be fine, okay? I'm here now, aren't I? So you'll be fine."
"There's logic for you."
"It's just as good as yours," Cox replies.
Ben exhales. "That leaves me...where, exactly?"
"I guess...right where you are," he says.
"So, it all works out," Ben says with a touch of good-natured sarcasm.
Cox doesn't know what to say. He's good at surfaces. He's good at cutting people down. He's good at making jokes.
He's not good at being serious. He's not good at admitting the mortality of those he loves.
He's not good at admitting whom he loves.
"Look, you'll be okay," he says, instead of 'I don't know what I'd do without you.'
"Yeah," Ben agrees, and it seems like he might believe it.
Cox takes Ben's hand in his own. He presses their palms together instead of saying, 'I love you.'
He's not sure if he's heard.
*
"Wow, Perry. You're here. The lazy observer would think that you care about someone other than yourself," Jordan says as she enters.
"Wow, Jordan. You're here. The lazy observer would think that Satan has a day off," Cox answers, acid dripping through his smile.
Jordan smiles back. "Interesting that you would say that. Why don't you do us all a favor and go visit him?"
Cox sighs. "I was implying that *you* were Satan, sweetheart. Thus, I can't visit *her* since *she* is already here. *Her* is *you.* Are you getting the subtle point of my joke now?"
"I understood the point before. But I was countering with the implication that *I* am not Satan. Thus, Satan is still in hell. And *you* can go visit Satan in hell." Jordan pauses. "Should I draw a diagram or are you understanding my point?"
"Could we lay off for a minute?" Ben asks. "I'm not feeling at my peak."
Jordan blinks; Cox blinks. When they get going, it's hard to remember someone else is in the room. Even when the other person's Ben.
"Yeah," Cox replies. "I think I can manage that."
"It's for the greater good," Jordan says before throwing one last glare in her ex-husband's direction.
*
Cox learns to time his visits so they don't coincide with Jordan's. He puts up with his inner voice, nagging him with thoughts like, 'He'll be gone soon,' and 'I can't handle this.' He puts up with JD praising him for 'coming to his senses.' He puts up with Elliot's psychotic babbling.
Well, that has nothing to do with Ben. But he does put up with it.
"Do you think I could be a movie star?" Ben asks suddenly.
"Yes," Cox answers. "Studios are always looking for guys with enormous foreheads. Why are you asking?"
"I don't know. I was just thinking, you know, of all the things I wanted to be when I was growing up. Maybe, if I'd pursued one of those things, I'd have been happier." Ben pauses. "You think my forehead's enormous?"
Cox ignores the question. "You wanted to be an actor?"
He shrugs. "For a week in the sixth grade."
"You're not happy?"
"I'm happy." Ben smiles. "When I'm not here, that is. But, maybe, I could've been happier."
Cox has his own list of things that could make him happier; Ben's on it, but he's not going to admit that to anyone.
"Yeah, well, everyone thinks that," Cox mumbles in response.
*
"You're in remission," Paul says.
Cox has often admired Paul's abilities as an oncologist; now, he thinks he's a God. Ben's okay, even if it doesn't last. Even if the cancer comes back in the future, even if he has to watch Ben in that bed for more heartbreaking days.
Ben's okay.
Ben smiles softly. "That's great news, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Cox answers quickly. "Yeah." He's smiling, and he can't remember the last time a non-sarcastic smile has been so true and so long-lasting.
"So, I can go home now?"
"Yeah." He's still smiling.
*
He helps Ben get his things together: clothes, some books, the collection of pictures he's taken since he came. There's one of Barbie and Susan doing some sort of mime routine. He's more than a little disturbed that they were doing that naturally. "The future of medicine."
He feels Ben over his shoulder. "Doing mime doesn't make then incompetent."
"I beg to differ."
Ben hesitates, apparently deeply considering this despite the fact that no evidence has been provided. "Well, I never heard of a mime/brain surgeon." He plucks the photo from Cox's hand and puts it in his bag.
"Exactly." He exhales after Ben's moved away. Inhales again when he feels Ben's presence by his side.
"Vroom," he says, moving a Hot Wheel across Cox's shoulder.
"What are you doing?"
"Using you as a track. That's not weird, is it? Eh, guess it is."
Cox doesn't turn around. "I'm not good at saying things like this..." he begins.
"You don't like toy cars?" Ben offers lightly.
"That'd be fairly easy to say, actually."
"I thought so." He's silent for a moment. "You wanted me to know that you're glad I'm okay?"
"Something like that." He feels lips on his temple. When he turns, Ben has returned to his bag.
"You're a good friend," Ben says. In another moment he's gone.
Cox stands in the empty room, unsure of what to make of what happened. He decides to do what he always does: ignore it and move on.
Easier said than done, but he accomplishes the feat all the same.
THE END